For a while now I have been struggling. With myself. With other people. I never feel like I fit in. I never feel like I am good enough. I am fighting a constant battle with myself. And it is bloody tiring.
Over the years I have taken the initiative and tried to find ways to combat it – and find a way through the periods of self doubt, self imposed and assumed guilt and crises of confidence but I have yet to find a path that works for me. I am currently seeing a coach who has encouraged me to express myself in written form – a way to cleanse the soul and to let out some of those thoughts – hence my attempt at writing a blog. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not looking for attention. I am simply writing down the battles I face internally – and how I combat them. I am interested in tips and strategies others have employed and if anyone reads this and wants to reach out then great. I want this to be a positive place – and I want to learn.
So – writing a blog. After 3 weeks – yes 3 weeks – of self doubt (no-one is going to read this, no-one will want to read it, you’ve got nothing interesting to say) I am taking the plunge. It is likely to ramble and deviate – so apologies if you are looking for a beautifully written piece of art – that aint gonna happen here trust me 🙂
My titles will be led by a song that I am playing over and over at the time. I tend to do that. I tend to listen to a song and get hooked on it – even if it is one I have loved for years – sometimes I will listen and it will evoke completely different feelings that can be positive or negative and it makes me look and listen to it differently – so that is one constant I can promise.
So, what’s my issues? What am I trying to express. Saying I feel like I don’t fit in and that I am not good enough is a big deal for me as a start. Since the age of around 12 I have always had this feeling that I do not belong. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good network of friends and a few people who I extremely close with who I trust my life with – in the truest form. I am more talking life in general. Even if I am portraying otherwise – I feel out of place almost anywhere. Sometimes I do not even have the confidence to walk into my workplace – somewhere I have worked for over 10 years now. It also includes my family. I always felt like the black sheep – and that sits on me – not my family. The not fitting in is something I am used to – and I have mechanisms that I used to combat that.
My biggest challenge is not being good enough. If an average person has to be at 90% to be seen as a decent – I have to be at 150% to scrape by and be seen as average. This is in every scenario you can imagine. I feel like a let down. I feel like I never do enough. I am not a good enough friend. Colleague. Child. Parent. Anything. I feel like I am not putting enough in – when in reality I am burning out. My expectations on myself are wild. My expectations on other people are frequently unrealistic. I rarely get back what I put out. And when I do I don’t recognise it enough. When I get something positive in my direction from someone it feels like I have been stabbed. I cannot take compliments in any way. Someone very close and dear to me complimented me on a course I had done recently and it made me cry. Like what the fuck?! Someone says something nice and it makes you cry?! Nah – that isn’t right. I have been burnt. We all have. I have been taken advantage of by people – but then we all have. It affects me deeply. I struggle to move beyond it and most of the time I do not know where to start. This is my nemesis. This is what I want to beat. For myself. But also for the very small amount of people I trust and love. I want to see what they see. They tell me but i do not believe it. And that hurts them. And it hurts me. And then I feel like I don’t deserve them because of how I react. And then another circle starts and we go round and round and round and round.
So this is the starting point. The beginning of another journey. I am excited. I hope it works. I think it will. I hope some people might read it and we can learn and grow together. God knows we all need some positivity in our lives right now – so at the very least I hope this does that!!!
If you did read this – thanks. Do not worry about me – I am much happier than I used to be after recognising some toxic elements that needed changing. But feel free to comment on my journey and share any learnings that you might have.
And to cheesily sign off – and linking to the title – “Won’t you come and wash away the rain”