I never expected to be writing so soon but I have to say I found the previous post I made to be quite a cathartic experience. I haven’t set myself any rules with this – other than to write once a week but it has to be done when I am feeling something. I am not the sort of person who can write something down to remember later – I kind of have to get it done there and then.
I have to say I find the modern world a baffling and tough place. Don’t get me wrong – there is beauty everywhere you look. What I find tough is the actions of people, their attitudes – and then their lack of actions. The majority of people really do not seem to care about others – they just seem to be out to get what they want – and make the most of everything for themselves – and that is something I really struggle with. What I then find amazing is how this doesn’t seem to affect most people – yet to me it pushes me further back and isolates me even more – more to the point makes me isolate. I said in my last blog that I don’t fit in – and this definitely adds to that. How do people not care? How do people not care that people don’t care? There are so many times of my life – and this is probably a weekly occurrence where I genuinely feel like an alien and that I just do not belong here. We are not talking major actions here by people – but small ones that just go unseen every single day. The comments that are made to undermine. The one up-manship that is designed to push the other person down. The endless competition that you didn’t know you were in. Now I am sure the psychologists that are out there will deconstruct my psyche here and tell me that I am interpreting that myself and maybe people aren’t being like that – and they most probably have a point – but let me try and paint this in a better light.
As people we have a multitude of emotions, behaviours and feelings. The brain is the most complex machine ever known. Every little detail is analysed and absorbed and the mind reacts accordingly. I believe no 2 brains are the same (Wow – you didn’t know I was a mind blowing scientist as well did you!) – but what I mean by that is my brain will interpret the words said by someone very differently to the next person and so on and so on. Take that over a period of time and over a group of people and well – you get the picture. When your brain works the way that mine does – and you carry a lot of emotion and a overdose of empathy – then small things turn into huge challenges. Proper big hurdles. That stab you in the heart when you least expect it. But that will not go away. Like ever.
Here are a couple of examples. To help with this let me make a confession – I am overweight. Even writing it stings. But it is true. I am fat. I don’t want to be. I am very active – but you see the solace I turn to to help deal with my demons are snacks. It is something I want to conquer and that I am working on but there you go – now you know. Around 3 years ago I went to a ball game with a good buddy of mine and I was sat next to a random older guy – and we had a nice chat as you do at these such events. Anyway I got up to go get a beer and he asked me what I was getting. Oh – just a bud lite I said. He looked at me – up and down and just said “yeah right”. And that was the trigger that day. I went back to my hotel room and cried my eyes out. What a prick I am for doing that – ask the guy why he said that there is no way he will have meant any harm – he was a decent guy. But it stung me really hard. It was all I could remember for days. To most people it would not have even registered. To me – it defined everything. It is like people know exactly how to hurt me – when they don’t even know me. From the guy at the ballpark to the guy in my neighbourhood who every time he sees me has to call me “big guy”. Again – it is a term of endearment and it means no harm. But it floors me. For the rest of the day I am ashamed of myself. Of who I am. Physically. And mentally. Physically I know I am overweight but not massively so – yet in my head I am the heaviest person in the world. I don’t want to be defined by the fact I am overweight. I am trapped in a cycle whereby I eat when I am down, stressed or tense. It is not ideal and it is harming me. At the moment I cannot find a way out. But I also exercise a lot. And you know what – believe it or not – there is more to me than having a larger than average gut!
I do not understand how people can just let that stuff wash over them and walk away. I envy those people. Empathy is an amazing trait. The world would be a better place if there was more of it. But overdosing on it the way I do is bloody hard. You end up carrying so much emotion for other people that you are constantly tired and frazzled – and then everything hurts you.
What I wish for the world is a little bit of care. Just maybe a little less judgment. We don’t know what other people are feeling. We don’t know how they feel, how they interpret stuff or what they are dealing with. One of the songs I am hooked on right now (What It’s Like – Everlast) makes me think this all the time. “God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes – cos then you might really know what it’s like to sing the blues” I really cannot sum that up any better.
I want to finish on a positive. It feels like this has just been a pop at humanity – that is not my intention at all. I am certainly no angel and could be a much better person – and I am striving to be a better one all the time. There is so much goodness out there. We just don’t hear about it as much as the negative stuff. You have to seek it out. There is beauty. There is kindness. There is caring. There is always someone. Always. Never give up. Never be defined by what people make you feel. Always be you. Because you are unique. Your mind is unique. And you and your mind should be treasured.