One thing that I have alluded to since the start of my (so far) very short blogging journey is that music has multiple affects on me – and a complete ability to switch my mood. Recently I have had some more positive days and a small part of that is down to revisiting a genre of music that I love – but listen to less and less these days.
House music always triggered positives in me – took me to places that other music rarely did – and made me feel confident and a small bit euphoric. I have experienced both of these feelings over the last few days and it is important to acknowledge them and understand where they came from and why, to help me understand why the more challenging feelings exist.
I am going through a lot right now. Dealing with lots of grow up stuff that is hard to process, takes a lot of mental energy and causes me a significant amount of anxiety and fear. I do however, feel in control of everything for the first time in around 6 years and I know the direction my life is going in. I have big plans. I cannot wait to be living them out – but I have to do things the right way for myself to be comfortable with everything I am doing. I am making big progress. However, because the multiple challenges I am facing are so large it is hard to break away from them and not live them 24 hours a day. They drain my confidence. They make me feel beaten even before I get out of bed. They are what I think of when I wake up – and what I think of when I go to sleep. Not much euphoria there right? Well – not true.
The moments of confidence and euphoria can be found within. When faced with major challenges and situations – the moments of clarity where you know you are making the right decisions – you know the way you are going about them is right – these can give you more confidence and a feeling of euphoria that is hard to match anywhere else. I guess what I am saying here is going through tough times provides opportunities. To learn about yourself; to learn about your decisions and how you make them; and to learn about appreciating those moments of calm, confidence and happiness. Some of this comes from yourself – well in my case it does – but it is also fuelled by others. However it comes, it is important to recognise it, embrace it and enjoy it.
So what’s different? Where did this come from? If it is that simple – why doesn’t this happen all the time? That is a series of questions I am not sure I will ever be able to answer. If I did – I reckon I could sell that formula and make billions. What I did do this time was recognise I was feeling it – and tracked back as to why. What was different from the week before? My challenges had not changed – neither had my plans. Those thoughts were still there. Like they are every minute of every day. But what was different was my behaviour. I accepted things were not going to change overnight – and that no one would be upset with me for that (that relaxed view won’t last forever and that is also okay) but I actually took some time for myself. I played some sport (badly), I did some workouts (equally badly), I spent some time with my coach, I spoke to the people closest to me as much as I could (that bit isn’t a change) but I also reconnected with a small group of mates – who used to be a group but with time had become individuals – and it was such a nice way to spend a few hours. It made me realise that despite what I am going through and what I have to face that all of those elements would still be there – that there was still a lot of positives. Sometimes I let my challenges and negatives blot out anything that is good. It is really like drawing back the curtains and seeing what is outside the window. It was opening up other parts of my mind to let the sunshine in. And it really helped – so much. Coupled with some banging tunes for a few hours I felt unstoppable – and that is such an amazing feeling.
I guess I need to make a point – because this probably sounds like a ramble. The point. No matter the challenges you face with your own mind – there is always a set of curtains you can open that let some light in. Old friends. New friends. Strangers. Reaching out and engaging and talking helped me. But what helped me more was taking on board that my situations and challenges do not define me. They do not own me. They need dealing with. They are being dealt with. They will take time. But they are not ME. Me likes playing sport. Me likes working out. Me likes talking to my friends. Me likes being the glue that brings groups together. Me likes house music. And if me wants to stick some on loud, grab some glow sticks and dance on a table then who the fuck is me to stop me from doing that. Because that is the real point. No one is stopping me from doing any of that – apart from ME. Don’t let you – stop you – from being you.