All Apologies

I reached another milestone yesterday. Another birthday. Another year gone by. Some great memories last year. A fair amount achieved and some beautiful friendships and relationships discovered and developed further. But there is still a nagging feeling in my head about myself. That I hadn’t changed some aspects of my life that I really need to. So here I go again – recognising that I have to change. Which is such a positive realisation and I am so wanting to achieve the changes I am setting out.

I have 2 primary objectives. I need to lose a fair amount of weight – and I have needed to for a long time. It is my nemesis. My mental state drives me to food for comfort and my mental state is often weak so it happens a lot. It is not healthy. Secondly – I need a healthier mind. Now – this is slightly different to my existing journey but it absolutely can run in parallel. The mental state I need to change is a permanent feeling of guilt – that I am letting someone down somewhere all of the time. For really basic stuff. Not being free to drop someone off. Not being free to call someone. Not being free to do someone a favour. The feeling is intense and it is like a punch to the gut. Yet it is entirely self inflicted. No one is making me feel like that. It is all me. And it is bloody annoying. It is the determination I have in my head to find something wrong within me or something to worry about. Self destruction at it’s best.

It is the same with the weight loss. I am relatively fit – given me weight. I exercise a lot – and I have good stamina. I don’t think twice about walking 15km – and it takes no effort to do so. But it is the eating that let’s it down. Going to a shop is hard. I have this feeling that I need to buy all this crap to make me feel better. It makes me feel warm inside when I put it in the trolley. Sometimes if I don’t – I feel panicked and empty. It is a weird and unhealthy process. I know that if I stop buying crap – and stop eating it (and by crap I mean sweet stuff most of the time) then the difference it will make to me will be huge – and it doesn’t take long for the differences to become visible – both mentally and physically.

The issue is – that I am serial failure – at both of these outlined issues. I wake up and tell myself – right – that is it. You are done. You are done feeling guilty because you cannot send a friend something. You are done stuffing your fat face with treats because you are stressed or feel down. And then I have a good couple of days – and then bring myself down again. I really want this time to be different. I am going to take the next 2 days to write a set of rules and habits I want to follow and then I am going to try my hardest to change. I want to take the time to understand what I want to change and how I am going to implement it and then I am going to go for it.

The song? Well – it is a classic Nirvana track obviously. But there are some lines that are like my mental state on repeat. “what else should I be”, “what else should I say”, everything is my fault”, “I’ll take all the blame”. Yeah. Nice one Kurt. Pretty sure you cracked my brain open and took the 4 main sentences that reverberate around my head constantly.

This is ultimate self destruction on my part. It is not what people do to me. It is all me. It is the twin sisters and brothers of my bigger mental journey. Of course they are linked. The difference is these are choices I am making and that I am in control of – and ones that I can affect quicker. It is the power of habit. Something my coach preaches to me. And he is right. Annoyingly. As always pretty much. It is true though. I need better rules of engagement for myself. I need to crack this. For me. And for the people that care about me.

So this is it. Time to change. I am working out my new rules and then I want to crack it.





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