One of the challenges I have with myself and the way my mind works is letting things go – saying goodbye to something and moving on from it affectively. I mull over situations, conversations, events, thoughts and reactions in my head constantly. Not from a holding a grudge and plotting revenge perspective – I am really not like that – but more from a self critical and analytical point of view. “Why do I still feel like that?”, “Why am I still affected by it”, “I must deserve to feel the I do otherwise it would go away”. That is fairly standard for me – and that is most certainly part of the ongoing commentary in my head. In one of my previous blogs I wrote about the constant conversations I have in my mind – this is one of them – and it often means I am exhausted, confused and unable to focus affectively because I have dealt with so much in my head already. I really want to learn how to shut these conversations down – I really want to learn how to find some release.
My favourite Pearl Jam song is Black. I love listening to Pearl Jam, watching videos of their live performances and reading about where their songs came from. It is also possible I might have a slight man crush on Eddie Vedder (let’s face it who doesn’t – the man is beautiful) but that is beside the point 😊 I like the emotional outpouring that is Black. It is a song that really expresses feelings in abundance. It is also a song about release. About letting go. It is more about letting go of a first love which isn’t relevant for me – I reconciled that a long time ago – but the letting go piece most certainly is. I feel the pain of something similar to unrequited love (another theme of Black) through my feelings of not fitting in. I always feel like I don’t belong – no matter what the situation I find myself in. I have long been the black sheep of my family – and I have accepted that – but it doesn’t mean has stopped burning at times. I have felt like the “problem one” at work for a long time now – I feel like I am out of my depth, just getting lucky with the deals I make and that I really do not belong in the leadership environment which I fraudulently appear in. People I thought were friends have taken advantage, got what they needed and have long gone. My relationship failed a long time ago. Yet on the surface I have come to accept all of those and live my life as if they were all facts. Granted some of them are.
The tricky part for me is believing I have reconciled it all. Believing that I have dealt with everything and not letting any of them affect me anymore. That is the hurdle I cannot get over. That is what leads to off days – where I am so devoid of confidence in anything that I do that I am literally shaking. On days like that even doing work calls is a massive struggle. But I get through it. Partly because I have to – but partly because I believe I am making some progress and that I am on a journey (with no time restrictions) towards a better perception of myself – and therefore a better me. I must stress the only way I will create a better me – is by improving how I see myself. I understand that now. For years I didn’t. It is pretty much up to me – and it is a choice I have decided to make. I am arming myself with the right tools for the first time in my life to help me achieve it. I know I have made a good differentiation between friends and acquaintances. I know that I have made good decisions about who is in my inner circle and who isn’t. I know that I have found the right coach to work with. And I know that I have made good decisions about what I want and where I am going. I also have removed pressures such as false time frames. My goal is my goal. I will achieve it – no matter what is thrown at me and no matter how long it takes.
I just need to work out how to silence the thoughts. I need to work out how to stop other peoples short comings becoming my responsibility and taking it like it is something wrong with me – other than them. I have said before that I struggle with people. I struggle with the selfishness, narrow mindedness and unwillingness to learn or see other peoples points of view. I feel, a lot of the time, that I am an alien standing back and watching the world develop. That I am not really involved. Because when I get involved I am so far off the mark with my thoughts and comments that I may as well have just been quiet the whole time. But then inwardly I will stew for a long time about peoples actions and words. Again – I need to stress here that these people are not wrong – or that they are doing anything wrong. Almost always these people are smarter and more emotionally adept than I am. I am just saying that I feel like an outsider watching other people operate. It is possible that if anyone I knew read this (and knew it was me) that they would be surprised. I get involved (most of the time) and I have a fair amount of responsibility. I also manage a pretty important relationship and I think I deal with it relatively well. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle – and it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I am outside looking through a window at everyone else – it just means that I really don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. It is funny what people see versus how you feel about yourself versus what other people see is interesting. I have a friend who is the smartest, sharpest and most capable (of anything) young woman that I have ever known. I am telling you she is capable of achieving anything. Every time I see her she is open, chatty, engaging and just a real pleasure to be around. Yet she staggered me when she told me that she suffers – and has for a long time – from selective mutism. I literally couldn’t believe it. I had no idea the challenges she went through to be in even some of the most basic situations. It blew me away. Clearly it made me even more impressed by her and the type of person she is – but it really made me stop and think. No one ever really knows what someone is going through in their own minds to get through a day or a situation. And that is certainly where I find myself.
So where am I on this journey. I don’t know and to be honest I don’t care. As long as I know I am moving forward – as long as I know that I am identifying feelings or challenges that I know I want manage better – then I am happy with the journey I am on. I certainly feel like I am making progress on that front.
I just wish I could master the letting go element quicker than I do right now. Anyway – I am off to watch Black one more time and wish once more that I was born with Mr Vedder’s looks, hair, talent and voice but at the same time being grateful for the person I am becoming.