Someone who reads my blog made a suggestion recently – which was to simply copy and paste each of the final paragraphs that I had written and put them into one blog as an exercise to highlight some of the positives I had identified on my journey. I thought this was a pretty cool idea so here we go – here it is. It won’t flow particularly well but for me it will be a useful reference point at least.
Black Hole Sun 22nd September 2020
So this is the starting point. The beginning of another journey. I am excited. I hope it works. I think it will. I hope some people might read it and we can learn and grow together. God knows we all need some positivity in our lives right now – so at the very least I hope this does that!!!
If you did read this – thanks. Do not worry about me – I am much happier than I used to be after recognising some toxic elements that needed changing. But feel free to comment on my journey and share any learnings that you might have.
What It’s Like 22nd September 2020
What I wish for the world is a little bit of care. Just maybe a little less judgment. We don’t know what other people are feeling. We don’t know how they feel, how they interpret stuff or what they are dealing with. One of the songs I am hooked on right now (What It’s Like – Everlast) makes me think this all the time. “God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes – cos then you might really know what it’s like to sing the blues” I really cannot sum that up any better.
I want to finish on a positive. It feels like this has just been a pop at humanity – that is not my intention at all. I am certainly no angel and could be a much better person – and I am striving to be a better one all the time. There is so much goodness out there. We just don’t hear about it as much as the negative stuff. You have to seek it out. There is beauty. There is kindness. There is caring. There is always someone. Always. Never give up. Never be defined by what people make you feel. Always be you. Because you are unique. Your mind is unique. And you and your mind should be treasured.
Consideration 29th September 2020
My message. If I have one. Hang in there. Learn from the bad times – but also learn from the good. Talk. Reach out to those that you trust. It really does help – I promise you. Also understand that there is no scale when it comes to challenges. I thought that for a while – that in the great scheme of things – a lot worse could have happened to me. And that is true. But it doesn’t mean that what I have been through isn’t real – or that has an affect on me. So do not sit there thinking I better keep it to myself because lots of people have had worse. If it has affected you – it is legitimate. Let it out. Share it. To whoever feels right. And keep going. Always keep going.
To those of you who help me and have helped me. Thank you. You know who you are. To those of you who caused me challenges. Thank you. Without tough lessons – I wouldn’t be the person I am becoming and I am proud of who I am starting to be.
Man With The Red Face 6th October 2020
I guess I need to make a point – because this probably sounds like a ramble. The point. No matter the challenges you face with your own mind – there is always a set of curtains you can open that let some light in. Old friends. New friends. Strangers. Reaching out and engaging and talking helped me. But what helped me more was taking on board that my situations and challenges do not define me. They do not own me. They need dealing with. They are being dealt with. They will take time. But they are not ME. Me likes playing sport. Me likes working out. Me likes talking to my friends. Me likes being the glue that brings groups together. Me likes house music. And if me wants to stick some on loud, grab some glow sticks and dance on a table then who the fuck is me to stop me from doing that. Because that is the real point. No one is stopping me from doing any of that – apart from ME. Don’t let you – stop you – from being you.
Out To Get You 13th October 2020
I appreciate this all sounds pretty depressing – and you know what – yeah it is. But it is temporary. It is a low point and I will get through it and come out the other end. I have been here before – I will be there again. It is improving. I am recognising it – and I am dealing with it – when for years I ignored it and even fuelled it with self abuse. I have made some really bad choices in the past – and for a long time I punished myself with these. I need to learn to let these go – and I am learning. On top of that I need to recognise that some of the stuff that has happened to me is not because of me – but because of other people – and their own insecurities and frailties. That is a tough one because it has been ingrained in me (mainly by me) that I am the issue. For once in my life I am having grown up relationships with people where everything is reciprocated – that it is not just me giving and getting nothing back. Coming to terms with that and enjoying it is a struggle – and I am endlessly sorry to those around me that I hurt. It is not a smokescreen or a hiding place – I am a very confused person that has raw emotions that I find hard to control at times.
Again – this sounds downbeat. It is a little. But it is also a step forward. That is the important part. Everything is a step forward. People will tell you that being downbeat is a negative and a step back. That is bullshit. Negative emotions need to be acknowledged and experienced as much as positive ones. The important element is recognising them, dealing with them and learning from them. That is what I am doing here. I am recognising and I am learning.
Gimme Shelter 26th October
I need to get a grip. I need to be a better person. I need to do so many things that are different. I need to understand myself again. Or for the first time – because I do not know if I ever have. I do not know how I would describe myself to people. I don’t know what my positive traits are. Or my skills. I am an expert in my flaws and my challenges. And I am really struggling to beat them. There is most certainly a storm that is threatening my life today. And that storm is me.
Writing does help – as does the work I am doing outside of this – and I see this all as a step forward. But I am not sure I quite realised what I was up against. I think I am really starting to discover what it must be like to know me – and for that I can only apologise – I really didn’t know it was as hard as this.
One thing I do know – is that I will get better. I am determined to crack this journey.
La Femme D’Argent 15th November 2020
I guess the point I would make would be to give yourself a break. Having a clear mind, living with your subconscious (gut reaction) and ignoring the doubts of your own internal conversations is key. Master the expectations and agreements you have on yourself – and then push them out to your wider groups. For me – that is the way forward.
The other point I would make (see there is a point to this) is that it is important to feel everything you feel. Realise it. Experience it. Then translate it and deal with it. Everyone is different. Most people wouldn’t walk into a food bank, help and then feel inadequate or worse than they did before they went in. I recognise that isn’t overly healthy – and that people are grateful for the help – no matter how small I might think it is. But what I do – is recognise how I feel. I do now at least. And instead of burying it – I confront it, try and work out why, see if it is rational, is it real or am I assuming it – and then work out what to do with it. I am trying not to let challenging emotions control me – and make me lose days on end to feelings such as worry, inadequacy, lack of confidence or rejection like I have done in the past – and like I did last week.
All Apologies 20th November 2020
The song? Well – it is a classic Nirvana track obviously. But there are some lines that are like my mental state on repeat. “what else should I be”, “what else should I say”, everything is my fault”, “I’ll take all the blame”. Yeah. Nice one Kurt. Pretty sure you cracked my brain open and took the 4 main sentences that reverberate around my head constantly.
This is ultimate self destruction on my part. It is not what people do to me. It is all me. It is the twin sisters and brothers of my bigger mental journey. Of course they are linked. The difference is these are choices I am making and that I am in control of – and ones that I can affect quicker. It is the power of habit. Something my coach preaches to me. And he is right. Annoyingly. As always pretty much. It is true though. I need better rules of engagement for myself. I need to crack this. For me. And for the people that care about me.
So this is it. Time to change. I am working out my new rules and then I want to crack it.
Black 1st December 2020
I just need to work out how to silence the thoughts. I need to work out how to stop other peoples short comings becoming my responsibility and taking it like it is something wrong with me – other than them. I have said before that I struggle with people. I struggle with the selfishness, narrow mindedness and unwillingness to learn or see other peoples points of view. I feel, a lot of the time, that I am an alien standing back and watching the world develop. That I am not really involved. Because when I get involved I am so far off the mark with my thoughts and comments that I may as well have just been quiet the whole time. But then inwardly I will stew for a long time about peoples actions and words. Again – I need to stress here that these people are not wrong – or that they are doing anything wrong. Almost always these people are smarter and more emotionally adept than I am. I am just saying that I feel like an outsider watching other people operate. It is possible that if anyone I knew read this (and knew it was me) that they would be surprised. I get involved (most of the time) and I have a fair amount of responsibility. I also manage a pretty important relationship and I think I deal with it relatively well. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle – and it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I am outside looking through a window at everyone else – it just means that I really don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. It is funny what people see versus how you feel about yourself versus what other people see is interesting. I have a friend who is the smartest, sharpest and most capable (of anything) young woman that I have ever known. I am telling you she is capable of achieving anything. Every time I see her she is open, chatty, engaging and just a real pleasure to be around. Yet she staggered me when she told me that she suffers – and has for a long time – from selective mutism. I literally couldn’t believe it. I had no idea the challenges she went through to be in even some of the most basic situations. It blew me away. Clearly it made me even more impressed by her and the type of person she is – but it really made me stop and think. No one ever really knows what someone is going through in their own minds to get through a day or a situation. And that is certainly where I find myself.
So where am I on this journey. I don’t know and to be honest I don’t care. As long as I know I am moving forward – as long as I know that I am identifying feelings or challenges that I know I want manage better – then I am happy with the journey I am on. I certainly feel like I am making progress on that front.
I just wish I could master the letting go element quicker than I do right now. Anyway – I am off to watch Black one more time and wish once more that I was born with Mr Vedder’s looks, hair, talent and voice but at the same time being grateful for the person I am becoming.
This Blogs Song Les Nuits 16th December 2020
Les Nuits, for me, is a song I have listened to a great deal for around 20 years. It relaxes me. Tunes me out. Gets me away from my brain. A little like writing does. So it is a great fit for this particular blog.
Look after yourselves