As another year draws to the end a lot of talk turns to 2021 and the resolutions people will be making. I often make New Years Resolutions and I always break them – normally within the first 5 days. Probably like a large percentage of people – if they are honest with themselves. I used to beat myself up about it – surprisingly – and see it as a failure. I know realise that it isn’t failure – it is more down to not setting clear and realistic goals – and I also know that to hit my goals that my habits really need to change.
So yes – I will be looking to make changes in 2021 – I will not be calling them resolutions – they are long term permanent changes that I need to make in my life. In fact, I need to get my life back. I need to stop drifting, stop getting through life on autopilot and grab it by the nettle and fulfil it. I have let too much go, I have played the role of the appeaser far too many times (to my own detriment) and it has not got me anywhere. So 2021 for me is a big year. I am getting my life back. My way. In some ways – I am launching my own revolution. A revolution against what I have been accepting for far too long. What I have been letting happen to me for pretty much ever. Forgive the cheesy link – but I am going to become a Street Fighting Man.
Street Fighting Man is one of my favourite Rolling Stones songs (and I have a few) but it is one that has always triggered something in me. I have always seen myself as someone who backs the underdog or the outsider – stands up for them. Maybe I don’t have the guts to do it in practice enough – though I do a lot more than people know – but all the same it is a part if my character and psyche. I need to channel this now to myself. A couple of the lines from the song are essentially where I need to be mentally to help me change those habits that will drive that change. “Hey, think the time is right for a violent revolution; But where I live, the game to play is compromise solution”. Now, clearly there will be no violence involved but the sentiment is pretty damn clear. For far too long I have accepted crap behaviour in so many scenarios that leaves me feeling embittered, confused, disappointed and upset – amongst many other emotions. Most of which were in my control. Most of which I probably created in fact through my own insecurities, my need to make sure other people are happy and have what they need before myself, and basically putting my own needs dead last. I am the King of empathy. You have a problem? Talk to me. I am your fella. I won’t just listen. I will take the problem off you, own it, drain my emotions so you don’t have to and try and fix everything. No matter how big or small your issue. That’s me. All over. Don’t get me wrong, empathy is a great trait and I do not want to lose it – but I sure as hell need to control it. It has led to me allowing people in all aspects of my life to take advantage of me and leave me disappointed.
2021 is the year where this shit stops. Where I wrestle back that control. I already know major changes are taking place in my personal life and I am prepared for that and will ride that wave. It feels like this will be the case in my working life too – and it certainly will be as far as I am concerned. But this is also the year where I protect my circle a little more affectively. By that I mean stop letting people in. Stop letting in people who use me and give me nothing back. I have done that shit for 25 years now and it is a form of self abuse. That is the key to me taking a step forward. I have let people make me feel like shit for far too long. Girlfriends describing me to their friends as the fat, ugly one. Or worse still – openly making out with people in front of me. Or telling me I have no right to be tired when I work 60 hours a week. Or that I don’t do enough. “Friends” who con me out of large sums of money to help fuel their own shitty behaviour. “Friends” who happen to set up a coaching business to tell me their main focus is to get me sorted out and there is a lot of work to do (can I pay upfront). “Friends” who ditch me when something better comes along. People who tell me there is no way I am cut out to manage people. Or that I haven’t got what it takes to run my own business. People who tell me they miss doing things with me and the only reason they aren’t is COVID – when they never ever bothered when COVID didn’t exist. People assuming that I cannot do something because I am overweight when the reality is that I have done more than they ever will. All this SHIT has affected me on various levels – and this is the tip of the iceberg – and to be honest I probably caused most of it by not fighting for myself earlier. Well not any more. I want my life back.
So – my point. Enough is enough. Shitty behaviour towards me will be dealt with how it should be. I will work harder than ever on my weight and eating habits. I will deal with head on the stuff that I need sorting. And I will get my fucking life back. I am bored of being on bloody autopilot.
I wish you all a good 2021 – let’s face it – it has to be better than 2020. My advice – don’t give yourself New Years Resolutions – set yourselves some goals if you want to but make sure they are smart – something you can achieve and track – but more importantly address your habits.
Look after yourselves people.