Before anyone gets worried by the title – this isn’t anything dramatic or to worry about. As per my previous blogs it is a song that speaks to me on a number of levels and one that I have been playing a lot lately.
The End, by The Doors, is a well known song of its own right – but was made even more famous when it was used in the masterpiece of a movie that was Apocalypse Now. It is a song that has always sat with me and one I go to when I am varying frames of mind – hopefully I will elaborate on the link more clearly below.
I went into 2021 with a clear objective. To continue building on the work that I have been doing in previous years, to discover my inner street fighter, and to take control of my life again. I am really trying. I know I will get there – I have the determination to do so and a good support team – but it is bloody hard. We are 18 days in and it already feels like it has been months. All the aspects I need to get on top off are fighting hard to go even further out of control and wrestling them back is taking a lot of energy.
I am fighting really hard to not feel unappreciated. But I cannot help that at the moment, I do. I think there are 2 things at play here – and it is progress that I know this. The first is hardest to fix. The negatives in my mind create a filter that every single comment has to pass through – especially any positives. This means anything good that is sent my way isn’t allowed to reach me because the internal habits, behaviours and mechanisms that have been created (by myself) are so strong and negative that they get taken away. They don’t stand a chance in my head. The reality that exists in my head is pretty scary – my view on myself is not great. I feel like a failure. Like I have not achieved anything. That nothing I do is good enough. Physically I 100% believe that I am the ugliest and fattest person that has ever existed. I refuse photos. I avoid mirrors. I cringe at the sight of my photo the company website. It is how I have conditioned myself. Now, a lot of this is because of negative people that I allowed into my life – but the vast majority is down to myself – and I think the task of unpicking that is really actually very hard. I believe some progress has been made. I have made sure I am trusting the right people now and they have helped me. One of the people I am ever going to be closest to gave me a book to read called the Four Agreements and that was a great place to start. Maybe that needs revisiting. I have cut people from my life and cut down any interactions I have on social media. That has helped and soon I think I will take a prolonged break from the majority of social media. It is such a shame that a tool of such potential positive becomes more and more toxic as time goes by. I am also incredibly insecure. For good reasons in my opinion but they shouldn’t affect me the way they do. In my professional capacity I am more comfortable getting on a plane and pitching to lots of strangers, fostering relationships with them and getting money out of them than I am being in a meeting or on a conference call with people I have worked with for years. I am crap at the political game. I am too opinionated. I can never just shut up. And I am not skilled enough to be in some of the environments that I find myself – internally that is – with clients I can do anything without hesitation. Which leads me onto the 2nd element at play here. Some of the feedback / opinions thrown at me that do nothing but confuse or undermine me. I have been told over time things such as: You aren’t a leader; you cannot run a business; you are not a good manager; you cannot sell; you are too emotional. Now, a lot of that is offered as constructive feedback. The problem is who they are giving it to. Me. They don’t realise what that does to me. Work is one of my personas. One of my places to be. The other persona is me. And that has been broken for a while. On that side of things I have been threatened by my parents that I wont be part of the family anymore a few times, told my partners that they are trying out what it is like to be with someone who isn’t attractive and used by so called friends for money or personal gain on their behalf some way or another. Combine the 2 personas and both of them are broken in some way. Which means in my crazy head that anything positive cannot get through because there is a double layer of negative that is already there and built in.
I used to believe that I had a good engaging personality. That I could get people to follow me and believe in me. I think it is a rare commodity and I think I had it. Whether or not I do anymore I don’t really know. I have had so much of being told what I am not – that I have no fucking clue what I actually am any more. The only bits I do know about myself are the horrible negative ones – and I only know those because I have let them be believed by myself. I used to believe that I could make stuff happen – out of nowhere. That I could get people on my side. And that when you got to know me you wouldn’t want to not know me. I believe that when I am close to someone they know I will do anything for them – and I will. At least I thought that is what I was / am. I am just really confused. I am at the point where if I were to apply for a new job – I have no idea how I would ever get one because I cannot explain who I am or what I can do.
At the moment it is a battle. And the dark side is on top. It will not win. I will not let it. It is a battle and it is a journey. The End is not in sight. I am not sure I will ever reach it. But as long as I get closer to it then I am making progress. One of my favourite lines from The End is “Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain” – and I think that is quite fitting. It is where I feel I am a lot of the time. A “Roman wilderness of pain” is a metaphor to describe situations that one struggles to overcome, or a bad experience that has to be dealt with. I really do struggle with that. Jim Morrison once talked about The End too and said “Sometimes the pain is too much to examine, or even tolerate… That doesn’t make it evil, though – or necessarily dangerous” and I think that is also very true and relevant for myself.
I do know that 2021 will be a big year for me. I will make it that way. It could mean monumental changes. Certainly there will be a change in my personal life meaning a recent change becomes more formal – but strangely I am on top of that and have reconciled it. The other areas need more work – and I need more inner strength to deal with them – and I will find it. Journeys like these are about progress. They are not about timeframes. I will get there when I get there and along the way I will move forward. There will be darker days – but that is ok. I have a select group of people I can turn to and that is a huge advantage.
So as I said. Not as dramatic as the title sounds. Just another bloody good song which if you don’t know – is worth a listen. Bur for this particular blog entry. This is the End. Beautiful friend. This is the end. My only friend, the end.