I am stuck in a negative spiral at the moment. I hope I am in the middle of it as it means I will come out the other side soon. But it has been a long one. I am tired of trying to pick myself up every day. I am tired of feeling like this. I feel like I get everything wrong. Even real basic stuff. It is probably me but I also think I have spent too much time with negative people.
I used to be positive – a bit of a life and soul character at times but now I feel I have faded into the background more and more and I also don’t think I know who I am anymore. If I was asked to describe myself and my character traits – my answer at the moment would be – I don’t know. A combination of my interpretations, the relentless narratives that run in my head and the on-going commentaries and negative views / feedback and left me bereft of confidence and uncertain as to who I am.
I am reviewing it all. Are the comments I received negative? Does there seem to be an on-going dissection of what I do and every decision that I make. Yes is the answer – there certainly seems to be. Now, that is most probably normal and something that is just part of life that everyone just gets on with. For me – it is something that I cannot deal with well. It is something that chips away at me and eventually leads me to a point where I feel I cannot go on. The more I feel like this – the more I feel that it is held against me – I am seen “as a problem” or I am seen as “difficult”, “emotional” or hard to deal with. I also feel that it reduces the affect of what I say or do – with people just playing lip service and hoping I stop talking or go away sometime soon. I feel like a ghost. A ghost of a person. A half person. That operates in the shadows incapable of making sound decisions, having an idea or capable of doing pretty much anything. I have an image in my head – of an image that people have of me. Complex right 🙂 To clarify. I have built up an image of myself that I believe other people see. And I hate that person. I hate what I think other people see. The best description I can give of that image is of someone who needs to be given time to say something but ignored. Someone who will eventually go away. Someone who is around but no one really gets why. Someone who makes really bad decisions, has no idea what they are doing and isn’t particularly capable. Oh. And is really draining. To the point where empathy shouldn’t be shown – or any understanding. Even as i write this I recoil at myself – like I am some pathetic individual who should just stop whining.
I think that being around negativity has stripped me bare. It has got close to beating me. It is like osmosis. It has seeped into my veins and become part of me – when I really don’t think I used to be like that. I think, (I no longer know) that I used to be a character that people were drawn to – that I had characteristics that people wanted to be around because they enjoyed it. Now I just see myself as a dark shadow. People don’t understand me. Don’t want to understand me. And just tell me it is me. It is how I am interpreting things. It is how I am taking it. It is not how it is meant or how it is delivered. They are not disagreeing with my decisions – but at the same time they are going to change them. Not accept them. And when i question that – I am in the wrong for looking at it that way. Now – i accept a large percentage of that – a lot of it does sit with me and that is a fact. But it is simply not possible that it is all down to me. That really cannot be the case. I take a lot of ownership. Often I take too much. And that has created bad habits – based on how I act and how people act towards me – and I know that – I own that and am working hard to change that. But when do other people start to own their shit? Or more importantly – when do I walk away from them if they don’t? And if walking away from them is too hard or not the right thing to do – how do I stop it affecting me. How do i operate differently. How do I break the negative cycle? These are things I need to start learning – and fast – because they have a hugely adverse affect on my life and my well being.
One of the reasons that Lithium is one of my favourite Nirvana songs is some of the lyrics stand out to me and essentially seem to represent how I feel. Lines like “I’m so happy ’cause today I found my friends, They’re in my head” and “I’m so lonely, that’s okay, I shaved my head, And I’m not sad, And just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve heard, But I’m not sure” they all speak to me. I do feel lonely. I feel like a half person that operates on the fringes of life a lot of the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t have people close to me or that they make a huge difference to me – because they do – but I do feel different – i do feel like an outsider because if I was normal then surely I wouldn’t get as much as I do wrong – as often as I do. So it is hard. And it is something I need to get a grip on and start controlling.
This is all a journey. Every day I am step forward. I really believe that. I am confronting more about myself all of the time – I am challenging myself – and I am questioning those that affect me more than I ever have. It is something I will continue to do. Will I ever be completely in control of it. I cannot answer that. Will I get better at controlling it and dealing with it. Yes I really will. And believe it or not, I already am. I hate the way this affects my life. I hate that I do not know who I am anymore or what I bring to people. I hate the way I have let things change me. And I need to stop and be me again.
And I will.