I have a weird feeling that I am actually beginning to give less of a shit about things. Stuff that would normally take up a lot of space in my head and energy seems to have affected less than usual. It is a feeling that has been with be for just over a week and it is kind of nice. It has translated into a much more productive week with less emotion wasted on areas that are of no real benefit.
I am not sure what happened to have triggered this but what I do know is I want it to last – and I will be working had to hang on to it. Practically I have seem to have developed a pre-screener to help categorise my response to something and I am only dealing with actuals – as opposed to catastrophising each situation I find myself dealing with.
This has not come at a time of calm either. I would understand it more if that were the case – but it isn’t. In fact the last week or so was an intensely stressful period and maybe that is what created a minor sense of calm. Maybe my mind and body got to the point where they said enough is enough. No more of dealing with everything on this level. You need to learn. You need to adapt. And you need to deal with things very differently. You have been talking about changing for so long but haven’t – so we are making you do it. Maybe my mind and body were telling me that the pressure I put myself under were not sustainable so a change needed to take place. When I am going through a high stress episode then I cannot really function. I cannot concentrate. I can’t sleep. I struggle to perform in any way. The most basic task is too daunting to complete. Most of my high stress episodes don’t involve me directly either. It is not something that is happening to me. They are either situations I have been drawn into or they are negative things happening to people close to me – where me being me tries to fix everything when all someone wants is a bit of support. I actually make their situation worse by giving them something else to worry about and focus on – which isn’t very good at all is it?! The people I trust these days would never want to do that to me – I do it all to myself – and I know it pisses them off. Plus the people I trust these days are very different to the people I used to trust – so I know none of them would want to put anything negative on me. So these high stress episodes are of my own making – and they really need to stop.
One definite action that occurred during this time was to get a better understanding of stress. I have always seen stress as something along the lines of dealing with a high pressure scenario. I have since learnt that is not the case. The best explanation of stress that I have ever heard – and certainly the one that speaks to me the loudest – is that any demand on your brain is stress. So if, like me, you work in a way that demands a lot of yourself, have kids, are a leader (with your friends, at home, at work), volunteer somewhere, have constant narratives running through your brain, carry a lot of empathy and worry too much – then your brain is getting a serious amount of demand running through it. I have all of those elements going on – and some more. So when I have something extra and fairly demanding to deal with (in my way through my own choice) it is no wonder that I have high stress episodes. Gaining an understanding as to what stress is has made a difference – I am looking it as a workload on my brain and potentially at some level I am managing that. Long may it continue.
Gaining a small element of inner peace leads to others too I find. I used to be a huge listener of house music. The title of this blog is one of my most favourite tracks – by Energy 52. Back in the day it was all I would listen to. I have started to again. I find it uplifting. I think I stopped because it makes me happy and sometimes when I am happy I feel bad and nervous for being happy. So I have started to rediscover some of my old playlists and I am loving working through them. I have been for a run twice this week. Only small ones but much needed – and the music helps with that. I am planning to continue.
Here’s to a more positive week – and hopefully some lasting change.