I think I am beginning to realise that I need more help. I have help. Very good help. Help that has made a massive difference already and continues to push me along a positive journey. That will continue – for sure – I will not give up on that journey. But I think I need more. Maybe I am depressed. I dunno. What I do know is that at the moment I feel detached. From everything. I feel like I am just not cut out for this world. Not cut out for the emotions that I feel and have to compute. Not cut out for the level of failure I feel. Certainly not cut out for the overriding feelings of worthlessness that I experience. There is so much that I struggle with and I am really beginning to lose myself. Maybe it is too late – maybe I have already lost myself.
I live in a zone at the moment where I relentlessly feel like shit. That I just seem to cause trouble or pain and do not resolve anything. I feel that when I air my feelings and views that they are pushed back on me – and outlined as something I should improve on. What people fail to realise is that I am a phenomenal critic of myself. My default is to take responsibility. Take the blame. Take the consequences. Even if that is detrimental to myself. I pile so much on myself that isn’t mine – that I end up burning myself out before I even deal with mine. My mental health is suffering because of it. As is my physical health. And it has to stop. But at the moment I feel like I am in a swamp and that I am being pulled under.
Whatever the scenario right now – I feel like I am not cut out for it. If I look at work – I am in a position where I just cannot deal with any conflict. I cannot even ask a question (that I think I have a right to ask) without fear of some comeback and individuals reacting badly towards me. So, most of the time I don’t bother. Which is my fault. No one else’s. Mine. Why am I like that. Why can I not deal with something so basic. When these situations arise – it eats me up. I can’t concentrate and I find it hard to move forward. I end up then doing something extreme like going way out of my way to help someone so I get validation and let back into the circle. We had a big meeting last week – with the main decision makers – and I could not have been more out of place if I tried. I had zero confidence going into it which didn’t help (voices telling me I shouldn’t be there) and then my fears were confirmed. I am not even on a different page. I am on a different book. I just seem to see and interpret everything differently – and never for the positive so it seems. Even when I am asked to summarise my thoughts – I am told I am wrong. Surely it is ok to have thoughts? Again – I am fully aware that this is all my fault. I have allowed my brain to tell me these things for years. I have allowed it to warp who I am and it is close to beating me. I see no value in me being in any environment at the moment – I feel like I am toxic for everyone – someone they have to tolerate but would rather not. It makes me feel like shit. I let it make me feel like shit. I have no doubt this is me. There is no one else responsible here.
This is also the case on the personal side. I feel so misunderstood – but it is by so many people that clearly the common denominator is me. I find it hard to share my feelings. Actually that isn’t true – I find it hard to have my feelings heard. Maybe I am a supremely selfish person – and not what I thought I was. I thought I was kind and caring – and unselfish – but maybe I got that wrong. Maybe I should be grateful that I have parents who only want to hear about my job – or just to see if my best friend is okay. I know that is way more than some people have.
There is also being a dad. One of my kids is struggling at school – hardly surprising given the last 15 months – but it is starting to affect them badly. I see confidence missing – where it used to be in abundance. I see the need for comfort and reassurance where it was never needed before. I see challenges with other kids. All normal, i know. But this kid is so much like me that it worries me. I am scared that they have taken on my mental frailties and that hurts me so bad. I really hope I can help them grow up to not be like me.
I don’t even know where I am going with this. I guess I need to figure out who I am. Because I do not even know anymore. I know what I want to be. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a dad that my kids would be proud of. I hope I can get to that one day. I want to be someone that people want to work with – more than that actually – I want to be seen as a leader, someone who is respected and someone who people turn to. I don’t know if that is achievable. I want to be someone that my friends can turn to and rely on – I think I do that sometimes but I feel like I get it wrong so much that I am not sure if I do anymore. My confidence is through the floor. So I just don’t know who I am anymore. I have zero clue. If you asked me to describe myself – I wouldn’t know where to start and I would probably save you some wasted time and tell you to not bother getting to know me – I am really not worth it – there are plenty of other better people to engage with than me. I would like to change that one day. At the moment, as per Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics:
“I ain’t nothing but tired
Man I’m just tired and bored with myself”
“I check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain’t getting nowhere”
I hope the fog clears soon. I hope I can rediscover myself soon. But at the moment I am struggling to keep on top of myself. Not in a dramatic way. I need to go back and rediscover myself.
For those that know me, I appreciate you all. You have all got me as far as I am today. So thank you. I am sorry for being a burden and not being easier to know. I really am. I do not think that I knew how hard it was for me to get through some periods of my mind. I want you to know I still see this as a positive. That it is all part of moving forward. That I am dealing with it. It is just way harder than I thought.