Dancing In The Dark

I think I am beginning to realise that I need more help. I have help. Very good help. Help that has made a massive difference already and continues to push me along a positive journey. That will continue – for sure – I will not give up on that journey. But I think I need more. Maybe I am depressed. I dunno. What I do know is that at the moment I feel detached. From everything. I feel like I am just not cut out for this world. Not cut out for the emotions that I feel and have to compute. Not cut out for the level of failure I feel. Certainly not cut out for the overriding feelings of worthlessness that I experience. There is so much that I struggle with and I am really beginning to lose myself. Maybe it is too late – maybe I have already lost myself.

I live in a zone at the moment where I relentlessly feel like shit. That I just seem to cause trouble or pain and do not resolve anything. I feel that when I air my feelings and views that they are pushed back on me – and outlined as something I should improve on. What people fail to realise is that I am a phenomenal critic of myself. My default is to take responsibility. Take the blame. Take the consequences. Even if that is detrimental to myself. I pile so much on myself that isn’t mine – that I end up burning myself out before I even deal with mine. My mental health is suffering because of it. As is my physical health. And it has to stop. But at the moment I feel like I am in a swamp and that I am being pulled under.

Whatever the scenario right now – I feel like I am not cut out for it. If I look at work – I am in a position where I just cannot deal with any conflict. I cannot even ask a question (that I think I have a right to ask) without fear of some comeback and individuals reacting badly towards me. So, most of the time I don’t bother. Which is my fault. No one else’s. Mine. Why am I like that. Why can I not deal with something so basic. When these situations arise – it eats me up. I can’t concentrate and I find it hard to move forward. I end up then doing something extreme like going way out of my way to help someone so I get validation and let back into the circle. We had a big meeting last week – with the main decision makers – and I could not have been more out of place if I tried. I had zero confidence going into it which didn’t help (voices telling me I shouldn’t be there) and then my fears were confirmed. I am not even on a different page. I am on a different book. I just seem to see and interpret everything differently – and never for the positive so it seems. Even when I am asked to summarise my thoughts – I am told I am wrong. Surely it is ok to have thoughts? Again – I am fully aware that this is all my fault. I have allowed my brain to tell me these things for years. I have allowed it to warp who I am and it is close to beating me. I see no value in me being in any environment at the moment – I feel like I am toxic for everyone – someone they have to tolerate but would rather not. It makes me feel like shit. I let it make me feel like shit. I have no doubt this is me. There is no one else responsible here.

This is also the case on the personal side. I feel so misunderstood – but it is by so many people that clearly the common denominator is me. I find it hard to share my feelings. Actually that isn’t true – I find it hard to have my feelings heard. Maybe I am a supremely selfish person – and not what I thought I was. I thought I was kind and caring – and unselfish – but maybe I got that wrong. Maybe I should be grateful that I have parents who only want to hear about my job – or just to see if my best friend is okay. I know that is way more than some people have.

There is also being a dad. One of my kids is struggling at school – hardly surprising given the last 15 months – but it is starting to affect them badly. I see confidence missing – where it used to be in abundance. I see the need for comfort and reassurance where it was never needed before. I see challenges with other kids. All normal, i know. But this kid is so much like me that it worries me. I am scared that they have taken on my mental frailties and that hurts me so bad. I really hope I can help them grow up to not be like me.

I don’t even know where I am going with this. I guess I need to figure out who I am. Because I do not even know anymore. I know what I want to be. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a dad that my kids would be proud of. I hope I can get to that one day. I want to be someone that people want to work with – more than that actually – I want to be seen as a leader, someone who is respected and someone who people turn to. I don’t know if that is achievable. I want to be someone that my friends can turn to and rely on – I think I do that sometimes but I feel like I get it wrong so much that I am not sure if I do anymore. My confidence is through the floor. So I just don’t know who I am anymore. I have zero clue. If you asked me to describe myself – I wouldn’t know where to start and I would probably save you some wasted time and tell you to not bother getting to know me – I am really not worth it – there are plenty of other better people to engage with than me. I would like to change that one day. At the moment, as per Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics:

“I ain’t nothing but tired
Man I’m just tired and bored with myself”

“I check my look in the mirror
Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain’t getting nowhere”

I hope the fog clears soon. I hope I can rediscover myself soon. But at the moment I am struggling to keep on top of myself. Not in a dramatic way. I need to go back and rediscover myself.

For those that know me, I appreciate you all. You have all got me as far as I am today. So thank you. I am sorry for being a burden and not being easier to know. I really am. I do not think that I knew how hard it was for me to get through some periods of my mind. I want you to know I still see this as a positive. That it is all part of moving forward. That I am dealing with it. It is just way harder than I thought.




3 thoughts on “Dancing In The Dark

  1. A large part of the struggle is learning not to bottle it up, so well done for getting it out in the open and off your chest.

    You sound like your harshest critic! Look for positives. They are there and need to be acknowledged too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It seems like you’re using this blog as a journal, and as a way of working out your thoughts. I don’t have answers for you, but at least now you know what’s going on in your mind. You seem to have a lot on your plate, but you can do this. Step by step, day by day. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Another great post – AWARENESS is THE key. This is the beginning of a very exciting journey back to discovering your true nature and who you really are. I hope you understand how common this feeling is – people tell me all the time that they don’t know who they are. This is super common. You do actually know who you are – there are flashes of who I know you to be in your writing – but you’re currently buried under a whole load of repressed emotions, unhelpful programs, negative self talk and chronic stress. Some people never take this journey and live their lives seemingly content with mediocrity or settling for something – the intelligence within you knows that you can have better and will not allow you to remain in circumstances or situations that no longer serve you. That’s what a lot of this is about – the minute you accept that you’ll start to feel lighter.


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