It has been a few weeks since my last post – but actually this is my 18th so far and for that I am pretty proud of myself. I had no expectations when I set out to do this – I didn’t know if it would be a one off – or a regular thing – but I am pleased that I kept this up – and will continue to do so. I have found it to be an emotional effort but also quite cathartic – and it has also challenged me which is all very positive.
What I wanted this to be was a safe place where I could just aimlessly throw out my incoherent thoughts and feelings that I had been bottling up for years. A way to “Release The Pressure” that I was putting on myself by not getting this crap out. To that extent – it has certainly worked. Keeping it anonymous helps – especially for someone like myself whose levels of empathy prevent me from dealing with my feelings a lot of the time as I worry about the impact they might have on others.
The last few weeks have been intense. Probably the most mentally challenging I have had in my life – and they continue to be that way. I have struggled to deal with very basic elements of every day life – my confidence is drained and I have had physical symptoms. I feel even more confused than before in terms of who I am, what I offer and what my value is. I haven’t struggled as badly as this for such a long period every before in my life – things are really not good.
However, within that I feel calm. I feel like I am slowly detaching myself from the major sources of negativity that are stopping me from realising my potential, or are affectively bringing me down. I feel like I am starting to identify earlier than before elements that do not sit right with me, that do not feel right – and are not good for me. I have started to back off from them sooner than I normally would. Normally I would stick around, get in deeper and then suffer for much longer. At the moment, I am simply stepping away. This doesn’t mean I have stopped caring – it just means I have stopped engaging at a level that I do not need to. I am just trying to focus on what is important to me, what my priorities are and let the rest wash over me – in particular from a professional point of view. For far too long, I have allowed other peoples behaviours to affect me – which is my fault, not theirs – but at the moment I seem to have found a place mentally where I am not letting that happen.
I wish I knew what I had done – or how I was doing this. Maybe I have just reached the point where I know I need to change a lot in my life. Maybe I am reacting to the changes I have already made – for they have been significant. In some ways, it doesn’t matter how I got to this point – I just need to make sure I stay there. If I stay there, I feel like I can take on what I am going through, no matter how hard it is right now – and it is really hard.
I guess writing a blog has helped. I find it hard to express myself a lot of the time. I feel like I cannot explain myself very well. I also struggle to get my point of view heard or understood – and again that is my fault – it sits with me – so writing like this helps – as it gets it out my head and into the ether some way. It does “Release The Pressure” and it feels okay getting it off my mind.
Some changes I have made include writing myself some rules – I have goals to achieve in terms of weight – an area I struggle with – though I need to get my mind right to tackle that fully. I have also started reading again – something I really enjoy but my mind couldn’t concentrate on – and I have started listening to music more than normal. I have been revisiting some of my favourite albums and made some new playlists. I am primarily a rock fan but I also have a deep love of electronic and house music. One album I have been listening to lately is Leftism by Leftfield and one of my favourite tracks from that album is…..you’ve guessed it – Release The Pressure. It has helped my mind to stop wandering and helped me regain focus where I need to so I can keep in the space I have found for myself during such a difficult phase.
So, to summarise. Hard times. But a fairly okay space mentally. Which is weird as fuck. But there you go. Gotta embrace it whilst it is here 🙂