Release The Pressure

It has been a few weeks since my last post – but actually this is my 18th so far and for that I am pretty proud of myself. I had no expectations when I set out to do this – I didn’t know if it would be a one off – or a regular thing – but I am pleased that I kept this up – and will continue to do so. I have found it to be an emotional effort but also quite cathartic – and it has also challenged me which is all very positive.

What I wanted this to be was a safe place where I could just aimlessly throw out my incoherent thoughts and feelings that I had been bottling up for years. A way to “Release The Pressure” that I was putting on myself by not getting this crap out. To that extent – it has certainly worked. Keeping it anonymous helps – especially for someone like myself whose levels of empathy prevent me from dealing with my feelings a lot of the time as I worry about the impact they might have on others.

The last few weeks have been intense. Probably the most mentally challenging I have had in my life – and they continue to be that way. I have struggled to deal with very basic elements of every day life – my confidence is drained and I have had physical symptoms. I feel even more confused than before in terms of who I am, what I offer and what my value is. I haven’t struggled as badly as this for such a long period every before in my life – things are really not good.

However, within that I feel calm. I feel like I am slowly detaching myself from the major sources of negativity that are stopping me from realising my potential, or are affectively bringing me down. I feel like I am starting to identify earlier than before elements that do not sit right with me, that do not feel right – and are not good for me. I have started to back off from them sooner than I normally would. Normally I would stick around, get in deeper and then suffer for much longer. At the moment, I am simply stepping away. This doesn’t mean I have stopped caring – it just means I have stopped engaging at a level that I do not need to. I am just trying to focus on what is important to me, what my priorities are and let the rest wash over me – in particular from a professional point of view. For far too long, I have allowed other peoples behaviours to affect me – which is my fault, not theirs – but at the moment I seem to have found a place mentally where I am not letting that happen.

I wish I knew what I had done – or how I was doing this. Maybe I have just reached the point where I know I need to change a lot in my life. Maybe I am reacting to the changes I have already made – for they have been significant. In some ways, it doesn’t matter how I got to this point – I just need to make sure I stay there. If I stay there, I feel like I can take on what I am going through, no matter how hard it is right now – and it is really hard.

I guess writing a blog has helped. I find it hard to express myself a lot of the time. I feel like I cannot explain myself very well. I also struggle to get my point of view heard or understood – and again that is my fault – it sits with me – so writing like this helps – as it gets it out my head and into the ether some way. It does “Release The Pressure” and it feels okay getting it off my mind.

Some changes I have made include writing myself some rules – I have goals to achieve in terms of weight – an area I struggle with – though I need to get my mind right to tackle that fully. I have also started reading again – something I really enjoy but my mind couldn’t concentrate on – and I have started listening to music more than normal. I have been revisiting some of my favourite albums and made some new playlists. I am primarily a rock fan but I also have a deep love of electronic and house music. One album I have been listening to lately is Leftism by Leftfield and one of my favourite tracks from that album is…..you’ve guessed it – Release The Pressure. It has helped my mind to stop wandering and helped me regain focus where I need to so I can keep in the space I have found for myself during such a difficult phase.

So, to summarise. Hard times. But a fairly okay space mentally. Which is weird as fuck. But there you go. Gotta embrace it whilst it is here 🙂

Truest

00Blogger

xxx

3 thoughts on “Release The Pressure

  1. Great post. Great progress. Great track (although for me it’s Storm 3000).

    The only thing I would challenge you on is this belief that people being jerks is somehow ‘your fault’.

    Yes you tolerate their behaviour/actions/attitudes.

    But.

    They are still being jerks in the first place! There is never an excuse for being a jerk.

    Jerk

    Noun. An idiot or stupid person. An insensitive, selfish, ignorant, cocky person who is inconsiderate and does stupid things.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post. You are starting to understand some of the fundamental truths of life – our experience is ALWAYS a choice whether we realise it or not, whether it’s conscious, subconscious, unconscious or superconscious. To understand this is to start to take back your power. The brain is an instrument through which you process “reality” in direct reference to your PAST and your perceptions of that past. The second you start to step outside that, you start to feel the shift. Watch what happens from here as your awareness grows and your power starts to return. Excited for you.

    Liked by 2 people

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