Do you ever feel alone? Like really alone? Even with good people around you and people in your corner – do you ever feel the coldness of feeling completely alone? It is something I have felt often before, but the last few weeks I have felt myself descending into that dark chasm even more.
It is hard to describe quite how I feel. I am used to feeling like I do not fit in anywhere – this is different. I think I am totally lost. I don’t actually know who I am anymore. I think, for the first time in a while, the dark forces have got on top of me and won. The dark side of my brain has taken over and I cannot fight my way out of the fog that it brings.
I don’t know what has happened to push me quite so far down. Maybe it is relentless pressure of different forms. I am not sure. I actually don’t think it is that. I like pressure. I thrive on it. I am probably at my best in the face of pressure. I think it is more about me losing myself. My brain is programmed to only understand and recognise negative feedback. But at the same time, I don’t feel like I get much positive feedback to counter balance it – and when I do my brain doesn’t process it. My confidence has been chipped away for so many years in so many areas of my life that I don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore (in terms of what I think). I feel that whenever I do something positive it is excused. Expected. Not as positive as I think. Ignored. Yet whenever something negative occurs it is rammed down my throat with aplomb. At the moment – there are times when I don’t have the confidence to open my mouth. It is manifesting itself in more and more situations. Ordering a coffee. The most basic thing you could do. I couldn’t do that today. I spent most of the day shaking. Gripped with fear that everything I was going to do was wrong.
I don’t know me anymore. I know what I used to be. Well I think I did. I think I used to be funny. Caring. Capable. Good at building relationships. A leader. Selfless. I don’t know if I was any of those. I certainly don’t know if I am any of those anymore. I can’t describe myself. If I lose my job I don’t think I would ever get another. I feel like I have achieved nothing. That what I have achieved has been down to luck. Not skill. And if any skill was involved it wasn’t mine. Ideas I put forward are constantly ignored or wrong. The labels I am given are all seen as negative. I think I used to be a good friend. I think I used to be supportive. Helpful. Kind. The sort of person that people would want to know and want to be around. I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t know if I am any of those things. I do not know what I am.
I know this is all my fault. I know this is my broken brain. I am trying to fix it. I am trying hard to change the way I interpret everything. It is my responsibility – no one else’s. I am fully aware of that. I have just come off track and lost my direction.
Even writing this I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Like I am looking for attention or validation. Maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe my programming makes me seek validation from people that really don’t count. The only validation I seek should be my own. But if I don’t know myself – how can I do that. It feels dark and cold at the moment. And I don’t know when I will see some clear skies as it just seems to get worse.
One Tree Hill has many meanings for me. It is my favourite song from an iconic album – but it was also a cheesy tv show I was heavily into! For some reason I have always found this song incredibly emotive – from euphoria through to full out sobbing. At the moment it is far from euphoria and as always some of the lyrics hit home for me – some of them are below. They will be meaningless in this form – but they are various descriptions of my brain and my feelings.
We turn away to face the cold
As the day begs the night
For mercy love
And in the world, a heart of darkness
A fire zone
Where poets speak their heart
Then bleed for it
I’ll see you again when the stars
Fall from the sky
And the moon has turned red
Over one tree hill
One of the challenges I face is that I am relentlessly told I am wrong to feel how I feel. I really do not understand that. OK yes – people interpret things differently – and sure I am prepared to admit that I must be one of the hardest people to engage with. But wrong to feel how I feel? Really?! Is there even a right or wrong when it comes to feelings. It makes me second guess myself. Actually I pretty much 5th guess everything I do, say, think or feel. And that is so freaking exhausting. I feel like a shell. A half person. Emotionally broken. Zero confidence. No understanding of my skills. Or what I offer. And that is really tough.
I am not panicking. This is not how I am going to feel all the time. It is a journey. But the fog is thick right now and I feeling desperately tired, incompetent and incapable. In time it will pass. I know it will. I will keep fighting.
One thing I have never done on this blog is to ask for help. I don’t know if that is something that people do. But I am going to. I would really like anyone who reads this – and knows me – to comment and tell me what you think I am. This is not a vanity project. I am not seeking your attention. I would just really like to know because I need to start finding myself again. I need to know who I am.
Sorry for asking – I hope that is ok.