One of the reasons I listen to music is to escape. It is something that takes me away from the now and transports me to different moments in time. It can transport me back to a particular place, evoke a memory from another point of my life or on a journey of discovery whereby I investigate when, where and why the song was written and gather any insight that I can.
I think this is all pretty standard – I am sure that most people use music for those reasons. It is the perfect medium to facilitate that. This song provides a great deal of escape for me. It transports me back to a particular weekend I spent in San Francisco with a good friend of mine wandering the famous streets of Haight and Ashbury which were at the centre of the hippy movement back in the 1960’s. Even to this day there are visible signs of life back then and it was a great experience to explore and take in the sights, sounds and smells. Jefferson Airplane were one of the many bands to base themselves in the Bay Area and White Rabbit was written by the, in my opinion, phenomenal singer Grace Slick on the back of a major acid trip. A song written on the back of a drugs binger about a book written by an author who took drugs whilst writing the book it was based on at a time when drugs were incredibly prevalent – so in many ways it signifies the ultimate escape! It was also written in double quick time and composed on a second hand piano that cost $80 so it is also an indicator of what the human mind is capable.
Now – this probably sounds like an advert for taking hallucinogenic drugs or something – I assure you it is not. What it is though – is the appreciation of escape. Of getting the hell out of the day to day thoughts and fears and just living. Being free enough to think. Believe. And act. I guess in some ways it is about living through your subconscious as opposed to the conscious mind.
I do not know a great deal about the brain. I am learning bits and what I have seen so far is fascinating. I know that harnessing your brain is the most powerful skill you could possibly have. But I also know that this is the hardest skill to master and that there are so many elements preventing it from happening. There are also many tools out there to help – but all with vastly differing views. From something like the Chimp Paradox through to Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) there are so many tools and areas of teaching that it can be difficult to unlock the one that is right for your mind and your frailties. I think the key is to keep trying until you find the right mix for you – which is definitely part of the journey that I have been on.
I talk about escape. That is what I am searching for. In some ways I am at the lowest ebb I have been at – and certainly for the longest time. I normally have an ability to pull myself out and re-energise myself – but this has been going on for 2-3 months now. I just cannot find my mojo. I am beyond living on autopilot. My autopilot is living on autopilot. I am just getting through a day at a time. My confidence has long since gone. I don’t know what my skills are. I don’t think I am employable. But that is a familiar feeling. It is beyond that now. I cannot see what the problems are in certain situations any more. So I have pretty much accepted that all the problems are related to me. That it is all my fault. I take some much responsibility that isn’t mine – and I always have – but after a while it grinds me down. I think that is where I am now. Ground down. With no powers of self recovery because my belief has gone. As a person I have always been hard on myself. I always feel I need to give people 150% to even be accepted by them as average – but from a professional point of view – I have always managed to pick myself up and go again. I have found that inner drive and verve and picked myself up. I haven’t been able to do that now for a couple of months and that scares me. It scares me because I feel I now believe my fears. Instead of them being irrational insecurities they have almost become beliefs that now shape every decision and every action I take. I cannot convince myself that I am capable. I cannot seem to see that some things are not my responsibility. I think I have brought myself to this point. I even blame myself for where I am right now. I am probably right to do so. But I need to find a way out of my head and I can’t – it is an endless fight to get out the darkness at the moment.
What is clear is that I need to regroup. I need to get my mojo back. I need to find a way. Not for anyone else – other than myself. I feel like I am robbing a living at the moment being like this. I feel guilty that I am failing so badly and that I am not doing more for others. I need to start pulling up trees again pretty soon. So I need to find a way out. I need something to trigger in me that lights a fire. The longer the fire doesn’t burn – the harder it will be to light – and I worried about that. I am worried that I do not have the skillsets to ever have a fire burning again.
All of this is a learning to me. It always has been. The point of my blog is get the thoughts out my head and onto something I can see. I am not a good writer as you can tell – but I have a lot of thoughts and I need to put them somewhere. It is also a tool I use to go back and read through how I felt at certain points in time – to see what progress I have made and also to remind me that it is okay to feel what I feel. For years before I just buried these thoughts and made no progress at all. Just went round and round in circles. At least this way I am moving forward. Even if it doesn’t sound like it sometimes – I know that I am. And I also have a task now. To figure out how to escape. Without turning to the magic mushrooms.
Look after yourselves out there.