Into the Void

It is coming to a time of year (Christmas) that I have become more and more conflicted about as the years have gone by. I don’t think it is a time of year that I have ever really enjoyed. I find it challenging for so many reasons and after what we have all been through in the last 2 years I am finding it even harder than ever to look forward to. The state of the world right now scares me and enrages me. The UK at the moment is becoming a cess pit with more and more Orwellian traits becoming very clear. I think it is time that we need to take a stance and start fighting back – I know for sure it is dragging me down and it must be affecting others.

I have written before that empathy is one of my main strengths as an individual – but it is also a challenge for me. I cannot switch it off and it becomes heavy to carry. This time of year becomes harder for some of the most vulnerable people and the people in power just keep taking away from them. I find it hard to disengage from what I see. I do involve myself in a local charity to try and help where I can but is is a drop in the ocean compared to what needs to done. There are people who have to send their kids to school hungry. Or have to make a choice between having electricity or food. It is something that breaks my heart and troubles me in terms of how I live my life and the decisions that I make. I am wracked with guilt that I am fortunate enough to be in a position where I can feed and clothe my kids and I am fully aware that that could all change in the blink of an eye if fate so decrees.

You then add on the shit storm of the last 2 years. The mental anguish that everyone has had to go through. The endless negativity of the media telling us how many people are going to die – how many people who will suffer – only seeming to report one specific view point of what is going on. I do not buy into 95% of what I read or hear. Which makes it even scarier. We should be able to have trust in leadership. We should be able to trust in the powers that be. But I simply can’t and I don’t see a time when I ever will again.

I can only talk about the impact some of these things have on myself. I go through peaks and troughs – probably more troughs than peaks. The combination of the view of myself that I have, negative behaviours and habits that have been formed over the years and the dense noise that surrounds everyone makes the troughs pretty hard to get out of. It makes everything harder to fight. It makes daily life harder to live through. This is before the pressure of this time of year is thrown in. For some reason the run up to Christmas exacerbates everything. The guilt of not doing enough for others, of not being a better person and of having the opportunity to treat my kids creates huge challenges for me. It is a time of year that I should cherish and enjoy. Yet it is a relief when it is over. And that is pretty fucked up.

This all points to one thing. My brain. The negative beliefs that have become entrenched in me. The behavioural patterns I show both physically and mentally. The bad behaviours that other people show that I let affect my daily life. I do not have control of my brain. It is controlling me. I need to get on top of it. It is the most powerful part of us – and managing it is seriously one of the keys to a happy and stress less (not a word I know) way of life. It has surprised me how obvious and simple that notion is – that controlling my brain will be a gigantic step forward – yet it is so so hard to get to that stage.

When you are like me, you live your life with constant narratives running through your mind. Every thought or feeling you have is confronted with at least 2 or 3 internal conversations. None of which agree with each other – obviously otherwise that would be easy to fix! The intense pressure that creates is crazy. Treble guessing everything you think and feel is exhausting. But then apply that to every interaction you then have with other people. Looking for hidden meanings. Looking at what they are not saying or doing. Hoping / expecting that they say something – yet when they don’t feeling offended – even though that is your own expectations you are putting on people. It is a crazy way to be. I don’t know if anyone can relate to any of this – or if it is just incoherent ramblings. If you do – I can tell you a way out. Getting hold of that amazing powerful piece of fat and muscle that is your brain is most certainly a way out. It is the route I am pursuing. For me it is a long journey. I can see myself needing a coach and some work on my brain for a long time to come. Perhaps forever. And I am fine with that. The same way some of us need physio or to see a chiropractor on a regular basis – it is very clear to me that I am going to need on-going mental maintenance. I am actually super proud that I know that. The more I learn about my brain and how to manage it – the more it fascinates me. I am still nowhere near managing it – but I see the way out of my current state – and that is exciting.

One of the reasons I like this song is that it is relatable with the current state of mind I am feeling. Take a look at some of the lyrics – and a listen to the song and you will see why:

“Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

Talking to myself all the way to the station
(Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away)
Pictures in my head of the final destination
(Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away)
All lined up, all the one’s that aren’t allowed to stay
(Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away)
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

Tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches
Tried to overcome the complications and the catches
Nothing ever grows and the sun doesn’t shine all day
Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away”

For me – that is describing the never ending battle that I face keeping on top of the conversations in my head and the feelings the outside world are having on me. I need to straighten that out. If I don’t then the work I am doing becomes delayed and doesn’t stand a chance of succeeding. I need to find a way of settling the empathy down and giving myself chance to breathe so I can continue the rebuilding work. Lots of challenges going on – but it is all progress. I spent plenty of years ignoring all of this. I have confronted it all. I am taking it on – and as I have said it is a long road – but at least it is a long road forwards – not backwards.

On a final note for now – if anyone is struggling over this time of year – please feel free to reach out. It is always good to talk / write. I am more than happy to be an ear. Take care people. Until next time.




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